Sunday, August 21, 2011

His will not mine.... The Journey to becoming parents

Where to begin?

The Background:

To get the full picture I will start with when Chad and I first started trying to have a baby. We had been in our new house about a year and a half and I had been out of LVN school two years. Chad and I decided to stop preventing in the fall of 2008. I applied for RN school that winter and we just waited to see what God had in store for us. In February I got my acceptance letter to nursing school and since nursing school is hard enough on its own we decided to put baby making on the back burner until I got at least halfway through RN school. I started school in June 2009 and time flew by; before I knew it we were on Christmas break from school and Chad and I decided to start trying because in our minds and by my 'plan' it would be perfect timing to have a baby the summer after I graduated.

Positive pregnancy test:

Much to our surprise in January '10, after only one month of trying, we had a positive pregnancy test. What a rush, we were so e

xcited everything was going according to 'plan.' I should tell you that there were like a million girls all around me that were pregnant with their second and third babies and I was so happy to finally be joining them. Our first doctor appointment was the beginning of February where we were supposed to get the best news of our lives, that our first baby would be due the middle of September. God, however, had a different plan for us. After not seeing anything but a gestational sac at the first appointment Chad and I walked away completely crushed. The next few weeks were the most painful long weeks we have ever had to walk through. There were many ups and downs; times of hope and sorrow, it was awful. After many more ultrasounds with the same bad news we decided to let nature take
its course and opted not to have a D&C. Sure enough the beginning of March I miscarried. I felt emptiness, anger towards God (how could He do this to us?), the worst physical pain I have ever felt, love and a mix of other emotions everyday. Poor Chad never knew what he was going to get from me. Two weeks later I was still having some problems and had to have a D&C. Surprisingly enough, the D&C gave me peace and closure to the situation. It was over and now it was time for us to pick our lives up and start over. Little did I know God still had a lot of teaching and growing in store for us.


According to the doctor I needed to wait for 2 cycles and then Chad and I could start trying once again. The physical healing was ALL I was focused on really. I was still pretty angry with God and didn't really want to hear from anyo
ne that everything works together for good. To me if everything worked together for good I would be expecting my first baby in the coming September. God and I had a big list of things to work out. Here is where I say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to all of those people out there (family and church family) who supported me during this time and prayed for me when I couldn' know who you are and I would not be where I am today without you. I continued through nursing school and graduated in May most of the time just going through the motions of life. I still had my 'plan' I was trying to follow. By my calculations, following the D&C in March, I should have a cycle in April, a
gain in May and boom by June we should be pregnant for the second time. Again, God had a different plan. April came and went, no cycle and the same story with May. They eventually started but were ranging anywhere from 38-52 days long. Obviously, this was not normal and definitely ruining 'my plan.' During this time I was able to start the women's bible study at church. I learned so much during this and when I was focused on get my body physically heathy I found that I had many spiritual wounds that needed mending also. From Pricilla Shirer's Jonah to Beth Moore's Breaking Free God showed me so much and brought much spiritual healing that like I said I wasn't looking for. So, back to the doctor for me....

What is wrong with me:
Back at my ob to find out what was wrong with
me, the complete opposite reason of what I had planned. He diagnosed me with PCOS which means basically that I wasn't ovulating. He started me on Clomid. He was very confident that this would work and we would be pregnant i
n no time. After three months he upped my dose. Meanwhile, Chad was traveling out of the country quite a bit which was so stressful to us. Now we were not only having to work to get me to ovulate but also had to work around his travel schedule and time the Clomid to make sure he would be home at the appropriate time of the month. Every month on the 14th day of my cycle I would have to go to the ob for an ovary scan, I was taking ovulation tests, checking my temp and watching the schedule praying that my body would cooperate with Chad's work schedule.

His will not mine:

By the sixth round of Clomid I had finally surrendered to the fact that God had told us he was going to give us a child but in HIS timing not mine! I know, it took me long enough to come to this. Sometimes in life we are just stubborn and God has to just be more stubborn than we are. However, it is just hard to give up that control that we think is so important and really lay our problems down for God to handle. The 6th cycle was looking perfect, timing with Chad's work schedule was going to be on track for Chad to be home on the 17th day of my cycle. This was great because for the past 4 months I had ovul
ated on the 18th day like clock work. I was so excited that this could be the month. I went in to my 14 day scan and was crushed, the doctor told me I was going to ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. There goes my hopes for this month. With Chad coming home on the 17th day it looked like we were going to miss this month. Needless to say, I was not really into trying to have a baby this month and Chad was a little confused and frustrated with me. I felt like this month was a total loss. But God had bigger plans. The next month when my cycle didn't start on the 32nd day at 6:30 in the morning I knew I was pr
egnant! I waited about two days before taking a pregnancy test. I woke Chad up the morning of May 4th and told him the good news, we had a positive test!

Through the course of this past year Chad and I have grown so much in our relationship with each other but more importantly in our relationship with our Lord and Savior. We had lots of prayer between praying together, times of being p
rayed over at life group and church and at home with our families. Through these times of prayer God showed us that He keeps His promises. I studied the other women in the bible that struggled with having a child and the promises that God made them and kept. God showed us that we had a ways to go before we were 'ready' in His eyes to be parents and once we got to where he wanted us to be he would fulfill His promise, in His timing. Chad and have grown leaps and bounds over this last year. God's will and timing could not be more perfect. Looking back over the past year it is easy to see that God's plan was perfect and crazy to see how much we need to grow before he placed this small life but huge responsibility in our hands. The other day I was overwhelmed at New River's night of worship when the band played We Prepare the Way. God spoke to me about us preparing the pat
h for His creation, our child to come to know the Lord.... overwhelming yet so exciting. Ok I will wrap it up because I am sure I lost most people a long time ago.

We will me welcoming our son sometime in January. My due date is 1/7/2012. I am 20 weeks now and look forward to the next 20 until I get to hold our personal promise. Thank you again to everyone who prayed with us, cried with us, carried our burden and rejoiced with us along this journey. We really appreciated all of the support.